Monday, August 23, 2010

Diary of an Overlord


Day 1: Born today at a hatchery. Immediately got orders from the Queen of Blades to head out to the other side of the continent. She told me it could be a while, and recommended that I bring along an iPhone and a ton of batteries.

Day 2: Going as fast as I can. Almost out of view from the hatchery. Watching a movie on the iPhone.

Day 3: Still trucking. Can no longer see the hatchery. Yay. Burning time by trading texts with my overlord buddies.

Day 5: Ran out of batteries already. Nooooooo.

Day 7: Ran into a birth queen spreading creep below me. She was pretty darn cute. Asked her out. Got shot down. Damn. At least she was nice about it.

Day 9: Some zerglings ran by me today. I said hi. They said later fatty, and sped off. Little scrawny pukes.

Day 11: 99 bottles of beer on the wall. 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around....

Day 15: Passed over a zealot today. Stared at each other for a while. Pooped some creep onto him for the hell of it. He didn't appreciate it.

Day 15.5: Passed over a few zergling corpses. I think that zealot earlier got those little hotshot pukes. Almost made me regret pooping on him.

Day 18: Ran into that same birth queen from before. She was out of energy, and just chilling at the creep edge, waiting. I joked that we should race sometime on non-creep, and she actually laughed. I think she's warming up to me. Her name is Betty, btw.

Day 21: Should have brought sunscreen. Owch.

Day 27: Had a Romeo and Juliet moment today. Ran into a terran aircraft that had just finished shooting some zergling pukes, but amazingly enough, the terran pilot, she didn't shoot me! We stared at each other for a while, and there was definitely chemistry, I could feel it! Ah, forbidden love.

Day 29: Ran into a few hydralisks who hail from the same hatchery as mine. They told me that terran pilot was most likely flying a banshee, which can't shoot airborne targets. I told them to shut their trap, and that they weren't there to feel the sparks fly. They just hating that I'm better looking than them, and almost as fast.

Day 32: Just got a telepathic text from the Queen of Blades. The Overmind administrators are gonna push out a DNA code update to all overlords tonight. My very first evolution! So excited!

Day 33: Ok. My butthole suddenly got a lot bigger overnight. What. the. hell.

Day 33.5: Temporary detour. Queen of Blades told me to pick up four roaches nearby. I asked her what she meant by "pick up", but she didn't reply back.

Day 34: Ok, I figured out what she meant by "pick up". Four roaches inside me now. You don't want to know how they got in.

Day 36: Dropped off the roaches at the edge of some enemy base. Thank heaven I don't have legs, otherwise I wouldn't be able to walk normally for a week.

Day 37: Oh hell no. Queen of Blades wants me to "pick up" a couple Ultralisks??

Day 37.5: Order canceled. During a skirmish, apparently the Ultralisks got stuck in the middle of a bunch of idiot zergling pukes and got blowed up by terran tanks. Part of me feels bad for the ultralisks. Another part of me can't help but feel relieved. You know which part I'm talking about.

Day 40: Another DNA code patch coming. Not looking forward to it, if the previous evolution was any indication. I just hope they leave my face alone, I like being pretty.

Day 41: Woo hoo! I'm actually fast now, baby! Feeling sleek and sexy, like a Corvette!

Day 42: While jetting around, flew over a couple old zergling acquaintances today. Man, they've evolved badly, they're now fat with giant glowing beer bellies, lmao. Who's slow now, ya little @!**s! One of them was crying pretty hard, saying he would never be able to start a family now. I dunno what he was talking about, maybe he's suffering from PTSD.

Day 43: Covering a lot of ground now. Went looking for Betty, found her. She was impressed by my quickness, and said I could easily take her in a "foot" race now. We laughed at her joke, and about other things too. She is definitely showing interest in me. Awesome.

Day 44: Uh oh, heard an entire lair got taken out by invisible air ships this morning. Emergency DNA code patch coming within the hour. Please, not the face!!

Day 44.5: Whoa, I look pretty gnarly now. A slick purple and black, with a lot more eyes all over the place. Hope Betty likes the new look. I think I look even better now, more exotic and stuff.

Day 45: Betty is totally hot for me now. She wants me to pick her up next week to go to the movies. I said yes, of course. But now I'm having second thoughts, I'm not sure if she knows how my "pick up" mechanism works. Maybe we can just walk together to the movies. Well, I can't walk, but, you know what I mean.

Day 45.5: Got officially promoted, my new title is "overseer". Nice to see my hard work paying off. Betty texted me a grats message, too. What a cool chick.

Day 46: The terrans dropped a freaking nuke onto us today. Queen of Blades sending me to this random corner of our territory. Not sure why. Whatever, looking forward to next week with Betty.

Day 48: Seeing something weird in the distance. It's a terran woman, but she's translucent, somehow. I don't get it. Going in for a closer look, she looks kinda hot from here.

Day 48.5: %!@% %!@% %!@%, I asked the Terran woman for her phone number, and she shot me down. Literally! I'm falling to the ground as I speak, iPhone record function, don't fail me now! Betty, I'm so sorry, this terran woman meant nothing to me, I hope you can forgive me -


Day 48.5: Slow day today. Shot down one of those big ugly Zerg balloons while it gurgled at me. For a moment, I felt like the Zerg thing was checking out my butt, too. Weird.

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